Mothers

I am going to start this post with a little background on childhood. Growing up I was a "Tom Boy". If you know me you know how true that is. I was tempted to share my 7th grade year book photo I decided I haven't even shown Michael yet so I will continue to hide it from the world. I looked like my brothers twin. Not like his twin sister I looked like a boy, I wore boy clothes and always pulled my hair up in a very tight pony tail. I didn't care what people thought and I would spend my days down at the river or building forts in the horse pasture. I was this way because I was raised by my dad. He wasn't to keen on nail polish or cute  girly things. My mother left when I was six years old. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I can remember crying myself to sleep night after night over her. I couldn't understand why she left. I always thought it was something I did wrong. Either way my mother left and we saw her  on few occasions. She wasn't there for really any of my birthdays or class graduations. She didn't give me the talk about my changing body. She wasn't there to comfort me the first time my heart was broken. She was the person I would spend a few days with here and there. I feel she could have put more effort into being a mother but thats something I will never fully understand. After a few years my dad remarried. Her name was Kristy and she was probably the worst mother figure anyone could have. She was rude to me and treated her kids like they were better than us. They were allowed to chew gum, we were not. They were allowed to have friends over and go to friends houses, we were not. I remember one birthday I was allowed to have a few friends over. I was given a nice doll and my "step-mother" made me give the doll back because she said I couldn't have nice things because I always ruined them. I was only 10 years old. Things like this continued for a few years. I went though more trauma and heart ache those years my dad was married to her than I ever have in my entire life. Those years still effect me. I was always the last stop on the buss route I would hide under the seat hoping the buss driver would forget that I was on just to prolong going home to her. I would get the sickest feeling in my stomach knowing I had to go home and deal with her. I tried to win her over countless times but nothing I did was ever good enough. One day Her oldest son moved back home and I started to notice a huge change in her. She started chewing a lot of gum and taking long walks. So the curious little girl that I was went looking in her car. What I found was shocking to me. I wasn't sure what I had found but I was sure it wasn't good. I ran to my neighbors house to show them what I had found. They told me to put it back right away and call and tell my dad that I had found drugs. Well I wasn't about to be called a liar again and get in trouble for trying to cause problems in their marriage. So, I hid the drugs in the hay stack and called my dad. He told me to put them back and he would take care of it when he got off work. My "step-mother" noticed her drugs were missing and of course came after me. I have never been beaten so bad before in my life. She kept screaming for me to tell her where they were but, I refused because I needed my dad to believe me. I took a good painful beating before I couldn't handle it anymore and told her where they were hidden. I never saw her or her kids again. My dad you could tell was extremely sadden by what was going on..  I was just a child and should never have had to go through that. I was once again left with no mother figure in my life. My older sister was once again the closest thing I had to a mother. I will say I was able to normalize my life after she left. I was able to have fun in school and not be sick to my stomach to go home. I learned and grew stronger through what I went through.

When I became a "step-mother" I told myself I would never let Boston feel the way I felt about my "step-mother". I never want her to feel unwelcome or unloved when she is with us. I  have always treated her like she was my own child. I will continue to treat her like she is my own. I will never treat her like she is less than my girls. She is my family and I know that when she is with us she feels at home and loved. I hope to be a friend and someone she can come to if she ever needs anything. I respect my role as a "step-mother" and just because there are mean "step-parents" out there, doesn't mean that ALL "step-parents" are mean.

When we were trying to get pregnant I was always so worried I would be like my mother. I was worried that because of her I wouldn't be the mother I wanted to be for my girls. When my girls were born I knew I would never be like my mother. Im not saying my mother is a bad mother. I feel she did the best she could in the situation she was given. Knowing what it feels like to be left behind and unwanted I have a different perspective on motherhood. I never want my girls to feel how I felt when my mother wasn't around.. My girls are my world and I could never leave them. I miss them when they nap. I miss them when I leave for a night. I want to be around to experience everything they do. I don't want to miss their first steps or class graduation. I want to experience everything with them. I want to them to know I will always be there when they need me. I will always no matter what life throws at them they will always have me. I never want them to go through what I went through growing up. No child should ever go through what the mother figures in my life put me through.

I hope Im a good mother to my girls. Lord knows I try everyday to be the best that I can be. People say you grow up to be your parents but I don't believe that at all. I am completely opposite. I learned more from my mothers mistakes than anything. I hope my girls can learn from my mistakes and my good example. Being a mother is the greatest gift I have ever received. No matter how hard it may get or how tried I am at the end of the day those little girls are my world. I probably smother them and Im sure they will grow tired of it someday but its who I am and I am so happy I am this way. I am so happy I turned out okay :)

Much love, Tonya