A lot of people have been asking about what has been going on with Boston and her mother lately. Honestly, I have tried to stay pretty quiet about it online. I have been waiting to see if things were actually going to be different before saying things were. Someone asked me why Ashlynn and I met up. Why did we talk when Boston isn't my child. It should have just been Michael and her. I can understand why people would think that. But, in all reality I have been in Boston's life since she was 8 months old. She has always been in my eyes a daughter to me. Step daughter or blood it doesn't matter me. I had my girls and thought that I would stop caring about Boston. I figured that what happened with her would stop mattering to me. I would have Olivia and Harper to take care of. My entire pregnancy I actually worried about how I would feel towards Boston. I worried I would end up like my step mother and many other step mothers and not care about my step child. I would make myself sick thinking that I would actually care more about my girls than Boston. Once my girls were born I realized that I have such a deep unconditional love for them. A love that cannot be altered or taken away. A love that would last for eternity. When I think about Boston I feel those same feelings. She is not my blood. But she is my step daughter and when she is with us there is no question how I feel. It honestly makes me so happy to know that I am not my step mother. I am not the person who hurt me over and over again growing up. That the way she treated me was not because that was how Step Mothers were. Its because of the person she choose to be. She choose to keep her heart closed to me and my siblings. There was nothing I could have done that would have ever changed what she did to me.

So fast forward to about a month ago. In the past I have reached out to Ashlynn to see if we could talk and try to sort out the problems and try to get everyone on the same page for Boston's sake. Each time I was rejected. At the time I would get so angry with her. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to put this behind us. So we would continue to fight. We would continue to say and do hurtful things towards each other. Things had gotten so out of hand that at times I would get serious anxiety when Boston would be with us. I think that is normal when you consider things that have happened in the past.

I can't say that I know the person Michael was when Ashlynn got pregnant. When I met Michael he was lost and extremely depressed. I saw a side to him that he wasn't showing his friends or even Ashlynn. I saw the real Michael. I saw the man and father he wanted to be. I can't fix his mistakes and I can't help erase the pain that he felt during that time. I do know that when I met Michael I felt something so strongly for him so fast that it felt unreal. I wish things could have been timed better. I know Michael regrets the choices he has made  in the past. All of us regret choices we have made in the past. We are all human. I did not treat my first husband the way a husband should be treated. I regret the things I said about him out of anger and hurt feelings.

Ashlynn and I talk we don't talk all the time, and we defiantly don't agree all the time. We do agree on things when it comes to the relationship of our girls. They are family and they will always be family and we want them to have the same relationship we have with our sisters. That is what important to us. We will not be best friends but I hope we can continue down this path for the sake of our girls.

I have talked with Ashlynn enough to know she is sorry for what she put me through and I know she knows I am sorry for the part I played in her pain. Michael has apologized for his actions during her pregnancy. He has grown into the man and father I knew he could be. Michael was always there for me during my pregnancy. He has always gone above and beyond for the people he loves. I wish Ashlynn could see the man that I see. I know that is never going to be possible but I am glad that she is trying to see things from his perspective and learning to understand. Thats all any of us can do.

I truly love Boston and I love watching her play with her sisters. They will always have each other and will get to grow up making fun memories together. I have learned that even though I have strong feelings and opinions about Ashlynn that I can put that aside for the sake of our girls. I honestly never thought the day would come that would could all swallow our pride and put our selfish feelings aside and give the girls the relationship they deserve. We still all have a lot of work to do we are taking it a day at a time. We get mad at each other and wanna fight but instead of letting fights last forever when are learning to accept that we won't always agree, but that doesn't mean we cant get along.

I am actually very hopeful for the future and happy that my girls will always have Boston to look up to. I am thankful for forgiveness and open minds. After tonight I finally feel like things are going to continue to improve and that all of my family and friends will continue to support our choices and also still be there for me when I need to vent. ;)

If you took the time to read this long post, I hope It flowed and made sense! Its been a long road getting us here. Im so glad we have all been able to move forward. "Lets show them how to live; Accept the pain and always forgive" One of my favorite quotes that I have always lived by and continue to live by.

 Forgiving someone in no way changes the past, but it sure can change the future.

Boston and Oliva were clearly happy with us! 

Much Love, Tonya 

Team Work

 I’ve been kinda down on myself lately. Nothing too serious, just a few things I feel like if I can write down, it will somehow help. 

For me, raising twins has not been a walk in the park. I think people forget that I have double the amount of diapers to change, double babies to bathe, double toddlers to ensure my walls aren’t being colored, and double the amount of diapers being taken off every 10 minutes. But I also have double the love.

I’ve recently heard of people commenting on my parenting choices, and it’s something I try to let roll off my shoulders, but lately, it’s getting to me! 

For example, sometimes I ask Michael to get the girls ready for bed for me. I’ve heard comments like, “I would never make my husband bathe or change a diaper after he got home from work," or "Why do you have him do those things when he has worked all day?” It hurts. This is coming from someone with only one newborn child. Our situations are completely different. I don’t know what it’s like to raise one child, and she has no idea what it’s like to raise two at once. 

Usually I try to justify my actions or try to get them to see my side of the story. I try to clean my house in the morning, make sure dinner is on the table, and keep the scattered toys at bay during the day. I try. And usually when I ask Michael to help, it’s because I want him to spend time with the girls. He usually doesn't get home till 6:30 and our girls’ bed time is 7:00. I love the way the girls light up when they see him walk in the door after work – it’s priceless. I want him to not just play with them when he comes home, I want him to take care of them. He loves it as much as they do.

So it really bothers me when people judge our team strategy to parenting. I don't think I should feel like I'm failing because the mother of a singleton thinks I'm being unreasonable or lazy. Yes, I ask him to help clean up, or help with the girls because we are a TEAM. Sometimes Michael gets to go play golf with a buddy for a night. I know he needs the break, and I love to do that for him, but sometimes I need a break too. 

I wish the people who judge me could spend a week taking care of my twins. I’ve figured out how to handle the twin life, and I think it looks a lot easier than it really is. I promise, any mother of multiples will agree with me that it takes both parents to work together and survive. 

Being a mother is more than a full time job. Luckily, our salary is paid in hugs and kisses! It’s tough, but being a team makes it easier. Michael is my co-captain in every way. I’ve helped him with Boston since we got engaged. He never forced me to change her diapers, get her dressed or take care of her while he was at work. I do it because I love Boston, and I love my husband. I take care of our girls so Michael can work to provide for our family. Sometimes I need a break and that’s OK. Sometimes Michael needs a break and that’s OK too. It doesn't make me bad parent to need a night off. I shouldn't let other people remarks get to me as much as I do, but really how can you not?

If you have one child and you don't ask your husband or family to help, then good for you! If you don't ask your husband to change a diaper, that’s great! I won't judge you because that’s the way YOU do things. In MY marriage we do everything together, and we try our best to appreciate what the other contributes to the family. Sometimes we get frustrated with each other, but who doesn't? Parenting is not for the weak! We are going on four years of marriage, and honestly, things have never been better.

If I could go back in time and see how happy I am now, I would be shocked. Who knew having a family and people who love me would make me smile this way?! My life isn't full of rainbows and sunshine, but I know this smile will never fade because my family is what truly makes me happy! 

Let’s all try to be better at uplifting each other instead of bringing each other down. I think all mothers are hard on themselves, they don't need other people to make them feel worse. 

So hey you, beautiful mom reading this, you are doing amazing!

I know its been so long since I have wrote a blog post. I I will try my best to blog more!  I still document a lot of our life on instagram my username is @tonyaelgan_ and you can also follow my online store on instagram @yellowlilly. I closed my shop for the rest of the summer so I could focus on my girls and make sure they have the best summer ever! 

Yellow Lilly will reopen August 25th! 

Much Love, Tonya 

Because of you

I feel like every Mother's Day I get online and everyone is so thankful for how amazing their mothers are. In the past I have tried really hard to think about the good things my mother did for me. Every year I always looked at her in a negative light. I couldn't see what positive impact she had on my life. Then I would think about the Step- Mother I had and how terrible she was. I knew she didn't impact my life in a good way at all. For a long time I blamed my mother for the bad choices I made. She wasn't there for me when I needed her. She didn't teach me about girl things. She wasn't there for me when I got my heart broken for the first time. She let me get my GED and marry someone in High School. She wasn't someone I looked to for guidance. She wasn't around she didn't stay close to us to be able to visit us each week. To this day she doesn't ask about me or try to talk to me. I haven't talked to my mother since my girls were just a few weeks old. After I became a mother I started realize what she really did for me. That she actually did impact my life in ways that I can only be extremely thankful for.

I at a young age I was hurt so badly when my mother walked out of my life at six years old. It hurt so deeply that only now am I seeing how it effected me. I am thankful that she showed me how I never wanted to end up. I am the mother I am today because of her. I truly believe I was meant to go through what I did so I could be the mother that I am. So I could be a better mother to my girls. I know that what my step mother put me through was horrible but I am thankful for it. So I could be able relate to my step daughter in a way that makes her life with us easier. I know what it feels like to be in her situation. My step mother hurt me in ways that I would never want to hurt Boston. I remember how I felt when my step mother made it very clear that we were nothing compared to her kids. I remember what it was like praying that I would be able to make her happy so she would love me and be the mother I needed.

I was so young going through all of this. I think It was all shaping me and getting me ready for motherhood. I also know that I have a hard time leaving my girls for longer than a night. I get overwhelmed with the feeling of abandonment.. I know that stems from what I went though as a child.

All my life I couldn't understand why I went though what I did with the mother figures in my life. Why didn't I deserve a good mother. I realize now that I was given the mother figures in my life for a reason. I am so thankful I can think of my mother and not be angry with her anymore. Even though I made the choice to cut her out of my life. I am thankful for the lessons she taught me. I know how certain situations can make kids feel and I have learned how to make sure I never put my girls through it. I will never leave them. They will never have to wonder their worth because they will always come first. I will make sure I am always around if they need me. I will be there for every important milestone of their life. Not only because I know what it was like to not have my mother there but because I want to be there for my girls.

I find so much joy in seeing my girls everyday. I love walking into their room every morning and seeing their faces light up with joy when they see me. I love watching them learn new things. I want to show them how wonderful life truly is. I want to teach them to always be kind, loving and strong. I want them to know that no matter the choices they make or the places they go they can always come home to me. I will be their home. I will be the mother I never had.


I am loving this Mother's Day. I love that I have gotten to relax and spend time with my family. I know I Have been slacking when it comes to blogging. But I have decided I am going to start doing it more often. I just need to learn how to manage my time better. haha. I have some exciting things I am doing right now and I want to start blogging what my girls and I are up to! So check back soon because I promise you will want to read and follow along!

I hope everyone has a great Mother's Day!

Much Love, Tonya