Love

This year has already been amazing. Michael and I have grown tremendously as individuals and as a couple. We have decided to always put our family first mainly each other before our wants. It has been helping us grow closer everyday. I know we have only been in the year 2016 for a few months but already so much has happened. This Valentines weekend we took the girls to the kids museum in Salt lake and that was SO fun. Boston loved every moment of it. The girls were a little shocked by their surrounds so they mainly just sat and stared at everything and everyone around them. It was so cute to watch. We had the chance to go out on a date but decided to just stay home with the girls and watch a movie. Today we deep cleaned the house, made lunch, dinner and cleaned up after together! Thats right we did everything together and it was so nice for the both of us to do things together around the house. It was a nice change for me. Michael also spoiled me with a beautiful Diamond necklace. I mean it was such a nice surprise! I love it so much! Im truly a lucky girl to have him. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend with my family.

I also feel I need to clear the air on a few things that have been brought to my attention. When I became a mother my anxiety has gotten the best of me. Things with Boston have gotten so bad that its also added to my anxiety. Its gotten so bad I have had to go talk to a therapist to help me work through it. I was given advice to cut the people out of my life that are associated with the problem. So a friend I grew up with and I parted ways. It could have been handled better on my part. But sometimes my anger gets the best of me and my childhood friend and I fight like sisters so I wasn't surprised when the fight between us became personal. I made the mistake of opening up to her and told her that (talking about Bostons mother) "It's not that she's just said a few things here and there. She has done some very terrible hurtful things purposely that has caused me to have to go to therapy and have anxiety to even have Boston in my house and around my girls"

If you had the chance to read the full text you would have read that. They blurred out the message to make it seem worse and have people take it completely out of context. Boston is mainly with her mother and after what she chose to say about my girls that really hurt and caused me to go talk to a therapist because my anxiety of what she might teach Boston was giving me panic attacks. I grew up in a home where my step mother beat me, verbally abused me daily. Her kids were always better than me and my siblings. Thats the fear I was over come with. Boston  has already has already said  things that hurt me and sometimes will act stand offish towards me and my girls because her mother teaches her she is not allowed to play with me. She told me that she's not allowed to let me paint her nails or other things. She has pointed at pictures of me and said things like "she's crazy". So When I know Boston is on her way to our home I get over come with anxiety. Not because I don't love Boston. its because I'm scared of how she may be taught to treat her sisters. If she is being taught to not like me and her mother has no problem calling my girls special needs' or ugly insects' like they aren't Boston's family then its no wonder I get anxiety about the situation. So it does make me nervous to have her around. I am their mother and its my responsibility to make sure they are taken care of and protected.  I am not blaming Boston for the things she says. Because I know its not her. I know its coming from a darker place and she's at the age where she doesn't really understand what she is saying it or why she can't let me paint her nails other than her mother doesn't want me too. I do not treat Boston like she is less than my girls. They are all equal in my eyes and heart. Being a step mother is very difficult at times. The anxiety always fades when she welcomes me with a hug or says sweet things that I know are coming from her heart. I love watching her play with her sisters. They get along so well and I couldn't have asked for a better older sister for my girls to look up to. Yes, there is always going to be negativity thrown at me. Over the years I am learning to remember the source of the negativity. It really helps. I am not ashamed of the fact that I go talk to someone to help me work through some of the sources of my anxiety. Boston can be alone with me. If Michael goes to work Boston's mother is more than welcome to drive down here and watch her till Michael gets off work. She has yet to do this, so Boston and I find fun ways to fill the day with the twins.  I am human and I am doing the best that I can. I am not always a ray of sunshine to be around but Im working on it. Thats all I can do. Sometimes I am weak and don't think before I speak. But like I said we are all human. 

We are getting ready to put the girls down for bed and cuddle up in my bed and watch a movie of course Boston will pick ;)  We have been having a great time with Boston and My family and I are so very grateful for what we have been blessed with. 

Hopefully you guys had a amazing Valentines weekend! 

A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE, 

TONYA