NICU

I really am so thankful for so much this past year.  My beautiful twins were born October 17th and have been in the NICU since. Harper came home November 5th and Olivia is still there, but we are hopeful she will be able to come home soon!

I wanted to share my experience with being a mother a Preemie babies and the NICU. I am so completely grateful for the special care and love shown to my girls by all the doctors and nurses. I am able to recover from labor and know that my girls are safe. But it has taken me time to see it that way.  Its such a emotional roller coaster having preemie babies and not being able to take care of them the way they needed. I wasn't able to hold my daughters right after they were born. Yes, I gave them a quick kiss and then they were rushed off to be taken care of. As a mother that is so hard to accept. I didn't hold or feed Harper till she was two days old. Olivia was 4 days old before I got to hold her and I still wasn't able to feed her then.  I asked everyday and would always get the same response " maybe tomorrow... " I felt so helpless and unneeded. I think what I hated more then anything was hearing from almost everyone " don't worry you will have their whole life to hold and feed them. As a new mother that was the worst thing you could say to me while I watched them get fed through a tube. For a while after coming home I cried all the time. I couldn't stand that I was at home with an empty stomach and my little girls not with me. I still can't even write about it without crying. I remember the first night I had to leave the girls while I went home I just laid in bed and felt my empty stomach and cried wishing the girls hadn't come so early. I can't really can't explain the emotions. I hated that I couldn't give them what they needed. I hated the nurses that got to spend every moment with them. I know that seems harsh but that hows I felt. I am their mother but I couldn't be their mother in the way I wanted. I would get so sad when the girls were able to breast feed or bottle feed and I would walk into their room and see them already being fed by someone else. I still get knots in  my stomach when I can't be their every time Olivia needs a bath or needs to be fed.

It has taken some time for me to really see that its been a blessing. I couldn't control when the girls were born. I am blessed that since they were born so early that they were able to be taken care of and watched closely by such caring people that they are so healthy. I am very lucky my girls are as healthy as they are, It could have been so much worse. I can't express how grateful I am for Medicine today. As hard as it was on me to watch my girls being taken care of by other people I am so very thankful that we have places like the NICU for babies to get the help and care they need to survive. When my doctor told me that in most other countries the babies born when mine were would just be sent home for mothers to hope for the best. After hearing that I felt sick to my stomach thinking how terrible it would be if my girls were just sent home with me. I would have no idea how to care for them or take away their jaundice or help Olivia keeps her tiny lungs from collapsing. The NICU is a place of MIRACLES.

Much love, Tonya