Michael & Tonya Elgan: The Success Story

The Over the years of my life I have been through a lot of ups and downs like everyone else. There are a lot of things people know about me more than others. Everyone knows that I had a rough time growing up when my mom left and my dad remarried. I've have no problem letting people know what has happened in my life. Thats just how I am. I have always loved to talk. I get that from my dad. You get us talking about a subject and we could go on for hours. I think thats why I love Facebook so much. Well Loved. I love being able to share with everyone what was going on with me at the time. I was like that at school too. I was such a loud mouth, and talked WAY to much. I'm just that way. So what Im trying to say is that this will be the longest blog post you will every read. I have a lot to say this Sunday. With that being said I will just jump right into it.

I have a been through more than most should have to in their life. Not all because of other people but also because of my own choices. I was married and divorced by the time I was 19. I have have lost more babies than I have ever wanted to. I have had more health issues than I would want but nothing compared to some others.. I have had one to many surgeries. But thats not what this post is about this is about my the biggest choice I made in my life that will forever stay with me in a way that I can never fully get over. I am sharing this story because of what has happened over the past couple of weeks. This is my story of strength and success. When I divorced my first husband I left my town I had lived in since I was 8 years old. I left family and friends behind because the pain of being there was unbearable. I had to get out. So I packed up my stuff and moved to Logan, UT. At the time I didn't have a lot of money so my sister let me move in with her. I found a job fairly quick and before I knew it My life had completely changed. I wasn't mature enough to handle the choices I was making. But because of the pain and immaturity I made a choice I can never take back. My ex-husband and I brought out the worst in each other. I won't say anything bad about him now because I feel he has grown and made a good life for himself. At least that's what I have herd. At the age that I was, I couldn't handle the pain of my first love and I not being together. The things that were said to each other were so hurtful they still are in the back of my mind and creep up on me when I am feeling down on myself.. People say things can stay with you for a life time without them even knowing it. So I turned to drinking. Almost every night I went to a party or drank with friends at our apartment. My friends and I lived so close to USU it wasn't hard to find a party.

After a while the parties got old and the drinking became a way to numb myself from the life I was living that I knew I didn't want to be living it anymore. On a cold day in October one of the managers of my place of employment at the time harassed me in a way that I won't get into details over. But really hurt me I could have gone to court and sewed the place I was working at the time but because of the type of person I am, I let what happen to me go, and tried not to effect me. I was also at the time being harassed someone who does not need to be named because once again the choice I made was mine and mine only. I am the type of person that will hold everything in until it ruins me.

That night I went home to my apartment and grabed The large Sky bottle of vodka out of the freezer and went to my bathroom and shut the door. None of my friends were home. I sat of the thinking about what my life had turned into and how I could let it get so bad. I drank almost the entire bottle. In my head after I was very, very, intoxicated i started having thoughts of suicide. I kept telling myself how worthless I was. I let every negative things people sad out of anger towards me become a true trait of myself. I let all the nasty things that were said about me overtake the all the good anyone has ever said about myself. I did not let a single positive thing about myself enter my mind. I wanted my life to be over. In my mind I thought I would be doing everyone a favor if I just left this world. I was so tired of the the way I was letting my life get that I took a blade to my wrist and cut it multiple times. I was so intoxicated I couldn't feel the pain. As I laid there on the bathroom floor in tears and a large pool of blood I managed to somehow call my little sister screaming for help. I told her to call a ambulance. I don't remember doing this, My poor little sister was the one who told me. Im not sure how long I laid on that bathroom floor until I had the urge to get up and get myself to the hospital. Something in me decided to wake up and realize I wanted to live and what was happening was not actually me. I know someone was there with me. I know it was a blessing That I only lived a block from the hospital. Somehow I found the strength to get myself at least to the Hospital parking lot. With the amount of blood loss and alcohol in my system I passed out in the parking lot. I wish I knew so badly who found me and took my into the emergency room. I want to thank them for saving me. I have very vague flash backs from time to time of that night. I remember standing up and looking in the mirror and seeing my face covered in blood from laying on the floor for so long. I remember telling the doctor " This isn't me, Please Im not this person". I remember holding the officers hand telling him How sorry I was for what I did, I begged him not to leave and I remember him leaning in closely and telling me he would stay by my side the entire time. These flash backs came over the next few months. I later remember them say how lucky I was that I could have been in dead if I wasn't found when I was. I remember looking down at my wrist cut open in more than once place and them discussing how to fix what I did to myself.

When I woke up I was told That I had a blood alcohol level that was 3 times the legal limit for a adult. They were able to stitch me up but I had to stay at the hospital for three days. Those three days were the lowest days of my life. I couldn't believe what I had just put my family and friends through. I Couldn't believe I could be so selfish. I couldn't believe I let myself get to that point. After I was released I was scared go back to my apartment. I didn't want to see what I did. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I couldn't believe that my friends had everything clean up so I didn't have relive it. There was still some blood in areas and on some of my clothes but for the most part the night was wiped clean from our apartment. I hurt so many people by doing what I did. It has been 6 years since I have been able to talk about this. Michael knew about it when we first got together because I knew it was something he would need to know about me if we were going to be together. I thought I would be shammed by so many people I thought so many people would judge me for what I did. Instead I was showered with love and support especially from Michael. What is more important is what happened about a week after I was released from the hospital.

One of my dear friends Caleb Dart was at a USU game that I went to (you know trying to get into a normal routine again) I had always turned to Caleb for advice in my life. I have know him since I was 8. He use to be my crush ( from 8 to13) if you can believe that. He as always been so kind to me and never judged me. I got up the courage to admit to him what I did to myself. He looked at me not in a disgusted way like I was expecting but in a way that made me feel like everything was going to be okay. He probably doesn't even remember this conversation. But, like I said before some people say things to you that stay with you for the rest of your life. He said " Tonya you can either let this define you the rest of your life and just be another girl or you can be the success story". That literally has been what I have chosen to base the rest of my life on. From that moment on I realized this didn't have to let this define me. I got to choose to make the best of the situation an turn it around. I had the power to make my life all that I wanted it to be. Caleb has no idea how that those simple words he said to me changed my whole life.

I stopped letting other people control my thoughts and feelings about myself. I started taking control.. I made the choice to learn from this and make a good life for myself. I ended up meeting Michael 3 months later and instead of him running when I told him my story he opened his arms up to me and didn't let it change his opinion of me. Thats what made me fall in love with him so quickly. He loved me for my past and for who he saw I was making myself into.

I know people notice my writ and I use to say that I got in a car accident and got cut badly by glass. After a while I decided to stop and just not answer. I know what people must think when they see my scar. I have often thought of covering it up with tattoo. I still do. I have a daily reminder of how I never want to be again. I think about what I will tell my girls when they ask what happened. But I will cross that bridge when that day comes. I have had people ask me to talk to other people struggling with what I struggled with. I have always declined because it has always been to painful for me to talk about.

I look back at my life and remember all that I have through with my parents, step parents, divorce, drinking, divorce, mental abuse, self abuse and then I look at my life now.

The past five years I completed made a huge turn around. I AM PROUD OF THE PERSON I HAVE BECOME. I have a beautiful family and loving husband. I have still have friends that I talk to almost daily since the 3rd grade! I am so proud of myself for being my own success story. I did this. I made me better, stronger, happier, and all around a better person. I have so many people in my life that love and care for me in way I use to think I would never have. Its never too late to make a change in your life. Its okay to ask for help when you need it. Its okay to make a mistake. People do it all the time. Its not okay to judge people for hitting the lowest point in their life and leaving them in a time of need.

I wanted to share my success story with you because I finally feel like I have changed my life and and living the life I have always dreamed of living. All because I Took my life into my own hands. Don't let people ever effect the way you feel about yourself. Don't give them the power, you have all the power to make your life the way you want it to be. wether it be success in a job or having a family like me. Do what makes you happy. Even if it takes you falling down make sure you learn and be the success story.

Thank you to all my friends and family that have always been there for me in my time of needs and I can only hope I have been as good to you as you have been to me.

It has taken me almost 6 years to talk about that night and honestly it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength".