I have been wanting to write this for some time now. After talking with someone, she said it might help me to get it off my shoulders if I wrote it down. I want to share it with you so maybe it can clear some things up for everyone.
When I was just six years old, my mother left. She came and went when it was best for her. It seriously has never bothered me as bad as it does now. Maybe it’s because I am a mother and a step-mother now. I’m not really sure why, but for whatever reason, it makes me so mad every time I look at my girls. I couldn't imagine inflicting such pain on them. I’m sure she had her reasons, but I don't really care at this point. I can't even tell her she doesn't deserve to be a part of my life because she hasn't even bothered to contact me since the girls were just a few weeks old. She doesn't ask for pictures or send them a card on their birthday. I’m trying to be okay with this, but for some reason it’s just mind blowing to me. I get so angry towards her, and I don't want to be. I want to know why she doesn't put any effort into having a relationship with my family.
When I became a stepmother I vowed I would never allow Boston to go through what my stepmother put me through. I would always treat her the same – as if she was my own. I feel I have done a pretty good job. Actually, I know for a fact I have been the best stepmother I know how to be.
When I would see my mother and then she would leave, I would have no idea if she was ever coming back. It would kill me. I would cry myself to sleep, especially because I felt abandoned. Boston is lucky that she gets to see her dad as much as she does. But, that doesn't mean that it isn't hard on her. She's at the age where she is confused on what’s going on. Why does she get passed back and forth all the time? She asks questions all the time. For example she asked if her mother and I could share a house so she could see us all the time. I had to explain the best I could why she has two homes. Michael was at work at the time so it was just her and me. I know I am not her mother. I know my place in her life. When she comes with us, she gets nervous because she doesn't understand why she stays with us for so many nights and isn't going back to where she is used to. It’s upsetting to me when she cries for her mother. I know exactly what she is feeling. I hold her in my arms and let her know that she will see her mother very soon and that everything is going to be okay. When Michael is home and she starts missing her mother, he is the one to comfort her. But when it’s just her and me, it’s me that comforts her. I let her cry and try my best to make her feel better. She doesn't cry the entire time she is with us, there are just those few occasions when it does happen and it seriously breaks my heart. It takes me back to the nights that I try so hard to forget. It brings up every painful night I cried and wished I understood. I hate that Boston has to go through this. I wish it could be easier for her. I wish we could all just make this easier for Boston. I wish there wasn't so much hate between all of us and that we could just put our feelings aside and put Boston's needs first. She needs her parents, and she needs me to be there for her when they can't be.
In the past I have had a hard time dealing with Boston’s mother. I always wanted to react to everything she has said or done to me. I for a long time I have let it get to me, and so I react without thinking. I get that from my father. I just wish I had it in me not to react all the time. I’m positive that after this post I will feel a lot better and can just walk away from the all the drama.
So for you Boston I will not post a photos of just you and me on my social media, and I won't post a family photo with captions. I’m not doing it for anyone else, just Boston. I do it in hopes that it makes things easier for you. I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that because of someone else I am having to treat you differently than I would treat my own girls. It kills me. Just know when you are in my home, you are my daughter in my eyes. You are no different from your sisters. I will always be around if you need anything at all. I will comfort you when you need to be comforted. I will take you to do fun activities and let you wear your princess dresses as many days as you want to. I will let you convince me to dance in the living room. I will give you what you need no matter what. I won't always be around, but your parents will. You are very lucky to have three parents that love you unconditionally. I hope when you’re in our home you feel at home and loved. For you Boston I will be whatever you need me to be -- whether it’s just a friend or a mother figure. Your sisters and I will never look at you like you aren't family. We will always want you around, and I know how much the girls love it when they see you because they light up the moment they do! Boston for you I will do whatever I can to make what you go through in your life easier. I never want you to feel what I had to feel growing up. No child deserves that. No matter what happens I will always be here.
So if for some reason you are able to look this far back on my social media and wonder why I don't post pictures of just us or caption the family photos that you are in, it isn't because I don't love you. It isn't because I don't want people to know you are my stepdaughter. It’s because that’s what your mother wants. I can't understand it and never will. It is sad how important social media is to everyone these days (yes, I am just as guilty). I just needed to say that if it seems like I have pulled back talking about you so much it isn't because you have been replaced by my girls or anything like that. I have known you since you were a baby; I have got to watch you grow and learn new things. You'll forever be in my heart and on my mind. I feel for you, I really do. I just want you to know that for you, Boston, I will do whatever you need to make your life easier. I will never treat you like my stepmother did. I promise I will always be here for you. If you choose to have nothing to do with me when your older, that’s totally your choice, and I will still do what you need me to.
I hope that we end up having as good of a relationship as we do now in the future. You are a funny little girl and have such a sweet spirt. I pray you always stay that way.
I have been struggling with what my mother did to me for a few months now. I would never want the any of my girls to feel that way. So I'm willing to do anything I can to make it easier for Boston through this time where she is just so confused. When her dad is home I let him take care of that kind of stuff because he is her father, but if she ever needs me I will be there.
I really needed to write this to get it off my chest because it’s been hard on Boston being passed back and forth all the time, and it hurts me to see her upset over it. I wish I could fix it all for her. But I’ll stay out of the way for her and be there if she needs me.
Much love, Tonya
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