When I was in High School I had good amount of friends I made the cheer team and never had a problem getting a boyfriend. I wasn't the most popular girl in school but I was in a good crowd that I loved. My nick name in high school and still if you went to school with me you will know it; Tonka. The freshman cheer team made it up. I was always complemented on my body growing up. I won't lie I was pretty confident when it came to my body because people made it clear to me that it was nice. I was more blessed in the chest than most 16 year olds I was a full DD all though high school. I had a flat stomach and little round bum. I was very active and took weights as a class in school. I was always on the go. I never really thought I was ugly but I knew I wasn't the most beautiful girl in school.
With that being said I was very insecure about my face. I always heard about my body but never about my face. My Biology teacher Mr. Daniels was probably the teacher I despised the most. He knew I wasn't the smartest girl and made it a point to make sure I knew it. He was always calling me out and making me feel stupid in class. I was being sent to detention for mouthing off to him because really I just didn't care for him. One day I can honestly tell you what I was wearing and what the class discussion was on that day because it has forever been burned into my mind. I got caught on my phone (for the millionth time) and instead of just taking my phone for the rest of the day he made me feel like a idiot and stand in front of the entire class and explain how I will learn when to talk and when not to talk. After he was done he made me sit in the desk right in front of him the rest of the class. As if that wasn't enough he then asked if I knew what a butter face was. I said no and he continues to explain to me and the class that a butter face was used to describe girls that had cute bodies but not cute faces. everything is cute but- her-face. I was humiliated because I knew he was directing it to myself. I ran out of the class and went straight to the office to try to get a different teacher. After I switched teachers I am pretty sure he was fired or something because he didn't teach there for much longer after that. Since then I have always be even more insecure about the way I looked, I did my best to forget what he said, but here I am 24 years old married with 3 kids and it is bothering me more now than ever.
After the girls I was pretty happy that I bounced back fairly quick. I mean I lost 50 pound in 3 weeks. Not intentionally I was just really sick and stressed about my twins health. When I look in the mirror now I see so many scars from multiple surgeries and a pretty messed up belly button. I can easily see my ribs and but has no shape to it anymore. When I lay down my hip bones stick out more than anyone could ever want. I am not confident in my body anymore. So on top of my body not being what it use to be. The stupid "BUTTER FACE" term keeps creeping up in the back of my mind more than ever. I use to love getting in my swim suit or wearing clothes that were more body con. I mean obviously I am a mother so my taste has changed and I am way more conservative with my clothes than I use to be. I don't wear short shorts and tank tops anymore just because I think that is more juvenile than I want to wear these days. No offense to those who wear that we all have own style and that is just fine! I know That Michael looks at me and loves what he sees. I know that when he looks at me know he doesn't just see a body he sees a body that has sacrificed so much for him and our family and that makes him love it even more. I know I only need to impress him but I just wish I had better confidence in myself to be okay with all the scars and stretched skin. I think its so much harder on me because I was always told about how great my body was. That now I know my body has changed so much I feel like there isn't anything to be super confident over anymore. I think that is what is so sad. I would never trade what my body looks like now for because then I wouldn't have the two most beautiful blessing that I have now. I just wish I wasn't the type to take other peoples opinions to heart so much! I want to be able to teach my girls better! I want to fill them with confidence and love that they never question how they look. I want them to be so confident that if some loser calls them a butter face it won't faze them. I mean my dad always told me I have natural beauty, he hated when I would put makeup on, Michael is the same way he loved when I barley have any on but because of the stupid things I let get to me over the years I feel like I have to constantly cover things up to feel pretty. I just wish I could see Mr. Daniels one more time just to let him know that what he said that day really stayed with me. It always makes me wonder what my girls will hear me say and will stick with them for years. I just hope they can be better than me and only remember the positive things. I know we are all human so it not possible but I hope I stuff them full of confidence that the little rude things people might say hold no weight compared to the wonderful things.
Sometimes I wonder why I get so hard on myself about the way I look. But lets face it 12 year olds look like 20 year olds and 50 year olds look 35. There is not a ugly stage anymore. I swear puberty isn't even a thing anymore. I mean what happened to braces and blue eye shadow? I can t keep up with the trends these days I mean half the girls I see these days all look like babies. With their perfect skin and perfect teeth. Its no wonder average moms like myself have a hard time feeling confident anymore! I just can't believe the photos I see of high school girls these days. They look like models. I did not look like at model at 17. Not even close. My skin wasn't clear and I wore way too much black eye shadow. I thought gel pens made good eye liner in Jr. High. I mean girls these days have no idea what we had to go through. Haha.
I am going to try my best to be more confident in myself. I just wish the world wasn't so harsh on women to be perfect! That would make my life a little bit easier!
Here are some photos from back in the day. Seriously what was I thinking in some of these.
These photos are the ones where I feel Beautiful. I love that when I was going through photos to pick the ones I liked of myself They were the ones of my face! :)
Much Love, Tonya
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