Anxiety

I never really had anxiety before I became a mother and I really never fully understood how someone could get so nervous it would make them sick. Well now I do. I know its because a I am a mother now and my girls depend on me but I also think its because I watched my sister almost die and go in to a coma with no explanation as to why after her surgery. Michael is constantly reassuring me that everything will go better than expected. My surgery will be tomorrow at 5:00 am. I am super anxious about it so much so that I finally had to go talk to my doctor about how sick I am over this and how much its effecting me that he put me on a low dose of Ativan. I think its working because I have not has a freak out about the surgery since I started it. My doctor says I can stop it after the surgery. Its just crazy to me how much I have changed and how much my anxiety over things that never use to bother are now bothering me so much it makes me sick I can't sleep at night because all I can picture is my poor sister laying there unconscious after her surgery and the doctors couldn't give us a straight answer as to why it happened. I know that my surgery is no where near as invasive as hers was it still just scares the crap out of me. 

The Doctor doing the procedure in the morning said they are going to try to leave as much of my ovary as possible and that they really won't know what  is going on and why I'm in so much pain every day till he gets in there and starts looking around. They are thinking I might have developed endometriosis that Thats why I have been in so much pain every day. But since I have already been cut open a few years ago and nothing of that was found they aren't positive that it will be that. They are hopeful that the mass on my left ovary will be benign. At first they thought it was a complex cyst but since mine is more solid that liquid they really can't call it a cyst. I am thinking in the most positive way possible. I have a great support system and my dad calls often to make sure I'm feeling okay and that to reassure me that everything will work out the way its supposed to. Michael has been amazing always making sure that I am thinking positive and keeping my mind off of everything. I have been in so much pain everyday that Its hard to keep a smile on my face. I have lost so much weight that I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Being 100 pounds is just not a good look for me. I have always stayed between 115 and 125. No matter what I do I can't seem to do anything but loose weight. The doctor says being in as much pain as I am in all the time can cause my body to loose weight and on top of all the stress and not fully being able to enjoy my days without pain medicine can really wear you down after a while. I am praying that this surgery will be the answer to our prayers and we will know for sure what is going on with me! I just really want to get back to my normal healthy non forced smile self! 

My girls and I have been keeping super busy and doing a lot of activities! I just love spending everyday doing something with them that is their first. It just nice to know that everything new they experience I get to watch! Being a mother is the best gift I could have asked for and I am so glad that I have my girls with with the man I love more than anything, I love that I see so much of him in my girls. It just makes me love them even more. Everything is much better when your doing it with someone you love. 

when Michael gets off work tonight we will start getting my bag ready to go and getting the house cleaned so that way I can just lay around and recover and Michael won't have to do much  but take care of me. I secretly love when I am hurt or recovering from surgery because he treats me like I am made of glass and its just so cute to watch him watch my every move to make sure I'm okay. Having someone care for me the way Michael does is truly a blessing and I think I deserve it after everything. 

WE are currently looking at either building or buying a home and Im actually getting excited to think the next home Michael and I move into it will be just OURS!!!! It will be a place where no one else has lived and we can make all the memories and make it just the way we want it! I'm not sure how long this process will take but I know we want to take our time so everything is just right for us! It a big step for us and I'm kinda nervous about it but we are ready thats for sure! :)

We are excited for all these new adventures coming up! Our life is pretty great right now. Send prayers our way for tomorrow! Im going to ask Michael for a blessing tonight and hopefully that will help calm my nerves! 

Much love, Tonya