Chin Up Buttercup

I have been receiving emails from people on Facebook lately about how they love my honesty on my blog. I am so glad that I finally switched to only receiving facebook messages or emails. I love that people that are still sending things but actually saying who they are. I have great respect for people who stand behind what they say. I love that they come to me and thank me for being who I am. Or just to share their feelings about my current situation.

However I do not share everything with everyone, I still keep things personal to a point. When I hear of things, or get hurtful things of people making false accusations about myself thats when I stick up for myself and who I am. So I was sent comments about someone saying how I am "pro choice" or that I have gotten an abortion. If you know me you know how that can be hurtful to hear. Or to think that people would waste there time talking about me in that way. I know the people saying it will read this because they are so concerned with my life.

HONESTY TIME


I am not okay with Abortion. Its as simple as that. I have never thought about doing things like that, and when I hear of people doing it makes me sick to my stomach. For the people that really know me and have known me for a while now know the truth. I don't think its right to even joke about the subject. I think its disgusting to even tell people someone has gotten abortion when they have no idea what they are talking about.

My first miscarriage was when I was just barley 19. Yes I was married and under a lot of stress. I am not going to go into details about it. But know I know first hand what it is like to get excited about having a baby inside you. I know what its like to find new ways to button up your pants, like using a hair tie I found was useful. I know what its like get excited about making your first appointment for the ultrasound. I know what its like to go through the stage of getting things ready for the baby to arrive. I also know what it its like to have someone tell you the baby's heart is no longer beating. I know what it feels like to sit on the table and have your dreams crushed. I know what it feels like to have a feeling of being disgusted with yourself. Wondering why? What you did so differently than all the other people to cause something so terrible. Its not an easy thing to go through. Its painful in a physical and emotional way.

My second miscarriage was  recently I was not as far a long as my first I had found out I was pregnant and lost the baby two short weeks later. Which happened to be on my wedding day to Michael. Yes it is not a surprise to anyone that Michael and I did not wait till we were married to be intimate. I however did not appreciate rude remarks being said about it by someone. I tried to hold back tears when I told Michael that I thought I was loosing the baby the night before our wedding day. I tried to hide it from his sister but she could see the pain all over my face and I ended up crying to her. I also recived a disgusting email that night from a bitter girl. So that on top of everything was pretty hard. Michael took me in to the hospital that night and we tried to get things figured out. Since it would take longer to know for sure to know if it was a miscarriage or not they wouldn't give me anything for the pain. Finally after the pain got worse and I knew for sure I was loosing the baby the gave me strong tylenol to take. Can you imagine getting married and loosing a child in the same day. I was stressed and heart broken but at the same time I was excited to spend the rest of my life with Michael. I was more depressed because I couldn't figure out why this was happening again. I was thankful I wasn't as far along as the time before. But the pain was still just as strong. It has made me stronger but also discouraged.

I know that some women have more miscarriages than just two but don't forget that I still haven't had a chance to raise a child and the fact that I have had people throw in my face that it hasn't happened yet is hurtful. I do not think it is okay for another women to bash other women for not being able to have children. Its the one thing that women are supposed to be able to do and when one can't its a really heart breaking situation.

I always see women with their children and get so frustrated to see them when the take them for granted. Or when they even complain about their kids throwing a fit. I know I don't know what its like to have to have a child with me 24\7. And when I do I will probably feel the same. But right now It breaks my heart to see how some parents treat their children because I see it as such a blessing. I find myself wishing I had a little one pulling at my leg and begging for something. I wish I had a little one destroying my house. I want to be a mother to my own children one day and I love seeing my nieces and good friends and hearing their stories about what their little ones have been doing lately. I hope that one day my blog will be full of fun stories like that. I read my friend Karlie's blog about her twins and her stories about her kids playing in their diaper. I found myself wishing I could experience those irritating childhood moments. I love asking my niece where her nose is or eyes to see what she is learning. I love that every time I FaceTime her she gets excited and yells my name. I wish I had a little one to do that with.

I was engaged July 25th, 2012. I had a three month long engagement. I found out I was pregnant October 1st, 2012. I lost the baby October 13th, 2012. So for the rumors to be true that we got engaged because I was pregnant would have made me almost four months along, and to loose a baby that far along on my wedding day would have been impossible, I would have had to go to the hospital and stay there instead of getting married.

Obviously I want my own. I don't want to take someone else's ( I have to say that because I am a step mother and some weird people would take this as I'm going to try and take Boston). I want to either adopt if it came to that or have my own. Michael and I hope that it will happen someday. I do care about Michael's daughter and I will treat her no differently than my own children.

So there is my honest post. I have never had an abortion, I have lost two babies that is the truth. I would appreciate the  people saying these disgusting comments about my personal life to make sure they know the facts before. You never know how hurtful you can be by saying untruthful things about someone else.

Much love, Tonya